I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
