I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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