I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
