If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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