Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize