I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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