ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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