when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
