Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I feel like death gave me a hand job
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize