i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
