Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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