he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize