That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
