Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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