How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize