Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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