Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
