Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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