Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize