i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
