I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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