I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
