How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
