My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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