I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
