well I can't set my house on fire every night
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
