why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
cat food counts as protein by the way
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
