dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
