drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
two words...techno handjob
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
