Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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