This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
