Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
