I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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