She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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