I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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