YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
