Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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