My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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