I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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