Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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