oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
