I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
