we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You are a genius and a whore.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
