so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
