it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
