Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
