Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The Olympian is in my bed
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
