had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
