if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
