So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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