Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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