i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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