I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
