she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
