Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
