Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize